So, Your Divorce Is Finally Over Haller & Colvin, P.C. Attorneys Fort Wayne Indiana

So, Your Divorce Is Finally Over

Posted by: Chambers
January 13, 2011
Topic: Legal Issues

So, your divorce is finally over. It's been a year or more of stress, anger, sorrow and fighting. Now, after all of that time and money, it's finished. This will be good. No more fighting. No more stress. No more lawyers. You and the kids can relax and return to your normal lives. You have expended all of that energy, gone through hell, and now there is only peace and quiet in your future.

Sounds really good, doesn't it? But how realistic is it? That depends. Is your ex just as happy as you are that the proceedings are over and the final papers have been signed? Do you both feel like letting bygones be bygones and moving forward with your lives? Will you now be able to get along with that person you couldn't stand to be around? Will all of the wounds and sores from the marriage and the divorce simply heal up and go away?

In many cases the answer is "no". Battered egos, jealousies, and anger don't simply heal up and disappear like a paper cut or a sprained ankle. In fact, many times the bad vibes get worse. The anger turns to hatred, and the desire to be done with the divorce turns into a desire for revenge.

How will your ex seek revenge or otherwise make your life miserable? Probably by calling you to read you the riot act. But there won't be much satisfaction there, because you are going to hang up the phone or maybe say that you have heard all of it before. No, unfortunately many exes use the children to get their retribution. Why? Because it's easy.

Minor children, regardless of their age, do not have the experience or the level of sophistication required to handle their parent's anger especially if it's directed at the other parent. So parenting time becomes a counseling session where the injured ex can unload on a sympathetic ear. Some parents describe to the children in lurid details the wrongs that have befallen them at the hands of the other parent. Some implore the children to pray that Mommy or Daddy will stop being so mean, so that the couple can get back together. Other exes are more subtle. They drop hints or innuendos designed, perhaps unconsciously, to gain the sympathy of the children and to implant in them a feeling of anger or hostility toward the other parent.

This behavior is child abuse- as hurtful and damaging as a beating- except the bruises and scars are visible only to a professional. But slowly and quietly you may start to notice that when the kids return from parenting time, they are not quite themselves. They may say things that don't sound like words you are used to hearing from them. They may be angry with you for no apparent reason. When you ask them about it, they get quiet.

What do you do when your children are being abused? You should talk to your ex, but you will probably get denials and claims of innocense. You could try to explain your side to the children, but they are not likely to respond to logic and reason- they are too young, and they have been emotionally ensnared. You know you are not supposed to speak negatively about your ex in front of the children. So what do you do?

You can't expect the police department or child protective services to help you out. After all, where are the bruises and broken bones? You can't expect the courts to assist you when you have no proof or your suspicions. Your two best resources are your family counselor and your lawyer. The kids are going to need to speak to a neutral. They will need professional help, if they have been abused. They must talk to someone trained to deal with the types of injuries children can suffer at the hands of their parents.

Your lawyer will tell you that first and foremost you must put the children in a position to begin to heal. He will want the counselor to work with and evaluate them to determine whether the actions of one or both of the parents has caused them harm. If the counselor believes that one of the parents is the source of the problem, he may ask to work with that parent or with both parents together. If the offending parent refuses to get help, the counselor may be in a position to tell the court that he does not believe that the current parenting time provisions are in the children's best interests.

If you sense or you know that you ex is trying to negatively influence the children, get help before the problem gets out of hand. Just as you would seek medical assistance for a child with a fever or a strep throat, you must also seek help for the child who is being abused by a parent. Sometimes when the papers are signed and the divorce is over, the real trouble begins.

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